Enmity
by undertonepuncture
Summary: Kaneki has just joined Aogiri and Ayato is less than pleased.
1. Opposition

I was still sore. Each step, each sway of my arms caused my muscles to ache marginally. Every minuscule movement was a prick under my skin.

Bullshit.

These empty hallways were comforting, though. Gray walls, concrete floors, and most importantly: silence. The dead air brought solace. I enjoyed the solitude, perhaps a bit too much. I walked the halls with zero conviction, pulling off my jacket and straining my poor, tender arms further in the process. Of course, my body wouldn't be screaming with discomfort in the first place if it wasn't for _him_. I placed myself against the wall, my head smacking against the surface. I cared not to cogitate in this any longer; this stupid day.

I didn't like him; and this was not something I was demure about. I didn't want him here, I didn't want him around us. Placing trust in him so readily would be a mistake, a shit storm just aching to unravel. I suppose there was no need to concern myself with this now, his intentions would come to light soon enough. Then I will bask in my glorious abilities to see through such a convoluted person.

Tucking my jacket under my arm, a voice stirred me out of my brooding; and I was fine with that.

"Ayato." It was Tatara, donned in his usual getup; standing straighter than a beam of fucking light. I swear, I think he sleeps with that mask on.

"Yes?" My voice sounded as burdened as my muscles.

"I'm assigning you a roommate."

My eyes widened at the sheer thought of that. Shaking my head involuntarily, I glared him down like he was mad. "You're joking. Clearly," discomfort settled in my bones, rendering me inert.

"This is bigger than the two of you," his voice became taut, cracking like a whip just for that one sentence. "I can't have you two constantly at each other's throats when there's work to be done."

I chuckled. "And shoving us in a room together resolves-?" I was already accumulating a sour demeanor, an inane action.

"Attempt to learn about him. It's the least you could do. Resolve your petty troubles with Kaneki. That's an order."

My lip curled. "I don't trust him, Tatara."

"That's immaterial at the moment. What is relevant is how strong he is. You've seen it yourself. Do I need to repeat myself?"

"No," I shook my head, defeated.

"Good. I'm sure he'll be at your room soon. Best be there when he arrives." Tatara walked off, disappearing into the hallway.

Marvelous. Exactly what I needed. I didn't even have the _space_ for him, let alone the patience. It's not as if Tatara's concerns were absurd, the animosity between Kaneki and myself was nearly tangible. But I had no desire to befriend him, to 'learn' about him. I could give a shit. And I knew enough. He was a human turned monster, who gained his fatuous strength through Yamori's torture. But I didn't care about his strength. He was _Anteiku. _His alliance to them, to my idiot sister wouldn't just magically vanish. I suppose all I could do was keep my guard up.

I crunched my bones against the wall with a curse and walked on to my room.

"Ayato-kun." Uch. Pausing in my steps, I turned to him. He was still in the new threads we gave him, his mask tight in his hand. He had naught else. "I expected to find you in your room."

Seemingly, all I could do was glare him down. Just looking at his face invoked a seething breath. I began to walk again. He caught up with me rather easily, unfortunately. I wonder how long I could go without speaking to him.

"Is that your plan?" He asked once he realized I hadn't planned on responding. "I think you can do better than that," he muttered, his words softly spoken as he eyed the ground.

"And what's your plan exactly?" I kept my vision dead ahead.

"I...don't know."

I exhaled a laugh. Doesn't know? Perhaps conversing with him could be more entertaining than I thought. "Right. Suddenly and spontaneously, you want to join us."

"Yeah," he responded quietly, though I noticed his hands were tightening up. Kaneki turned his head away from me as we continued to walk.

The air in this narrow hall began to suffocate me. Or perhaps it was him. Being in this proximity with him was wearisome, so I ceased in my steps; hoping he would just walk on.

He didn't, of course. He stopped and looked at me. With our eyes connected I felt even more uncomfortable. He was giving me a look. Not anger, not impassiveness...I couldn't place it...but it was irritating. I ripped my eyes away from his pale, lit face.

"What?" I spat out, my words strangling.

"I recognize strength when I see it," he finally spoke, shattering the heavy set silence.

"Do you?" I tried to laugh but my voice was barely a rasp. "Yet you spent all that time at Anteiku, with those complacent fools and my idiot sister."

"I don't want to talk about her," he replied curtly, his black fingers tightening up again.

I peered up at him, careful not to meet his eyes. This...was not the person I met at Anteiku. It wasn't just the alabaster hair or the charcoal fingernails; there was a new persona. How else could he possibly even consider joining Aogiri?

I swallowed against my dry throat. "Right...you suddenly recognize strength because Yamori made you strong."

"I suppose you could call that a lesson," he cracked the bone in his forefinger, his torturer's habit. It's hollow sound was amplified in these claustrophobic halls.

"I don't really give a shit what you call it," I straightened out my posture. "You're still the little brunette boy I kicked around at Anteiku. You'll always be that to me. So don't presume for one minute that we'll ever be equals. Not here, not anywhere."

An easy expression crossed his face. "Ayato-kun, I pity you. Your mind is so entrenched in the past."

"_You_? Pity _me_?" My expression was anything but easy, my brow was tightly knit and my voice was echoing off the walls.

"That's right. Your tunnel vision will be the death of you," he stepped closer towards me. "But you are strong...just in some pretty fucked up ways."

I clicked my teeth, all too aware of what he was referring to. "If you're looking for an apology, look elsewhere. I won't. My sister is weak."

"I'm not looking for one."

"Good."

"Though you two are alike, whether you see it or not. The stubbornness on you Kirishimas..."

"And what would you know about us?"

"Enough," he answered quietly. "I was with her long enough."

I rolled my eyes at his gentle and saddened tone. "Well, it's good you came to your senses. But you've got to leave that sappy shit at the door around here. Just a piece of advice."

"Noted."

"Seriously," I warned. "If I have to hear one more word about your infatuation with my stupid sister I'm going to vomit."

"Infatuation?" He repeated, clearly perplexed by my choice of words. "You're mistaken. I care for her like a friend."

"Sure," I shrugged at him. With the way he repeatedly defended her, I didn't buy it.

"Though...I'm rather taken with you, Ayato-kun."


	2. Athirst

My eyes widened so much I thought they were going to burst from my skull. Reeling from his words, I glanced up at him. He was shooting me a gaze so intense it could melt the flesh off my face. I attempted to back up, only to remember I was already against the wall.

"What are you saying?" I shook my head a few times, my voice quavering. This was undoubtedly a hallucination of sorts.

"I like you."

"No, no, no," I exerted a forced laugh. "_No_. You talked plenty of shit to me and threw me around like a rag doll. Now you're saying you like me? In a gay way."

"No," his smile felt like toxic radiation. "As in an 'I'm taken with you' way. Your strength and your resolve. And I find you awfully cute."

"_Cute?!_" I repeated, anger beginning to pool in my stomach. "Fuck you, man. I can't have you around if you're going to get all fruity on me."

"Your intolerance only furthers my belief that you enjoy me, too."

My jaw set. So tightly I thought I would end up swallowing my own teeth.

"I don't enjoy you," I spat out. "I don't even want you here. I'm just fucking following orders."

"...you're kind of flushed, though."

Only because I was irritated. I was fuming, the skin on my cheeks and neck feeling aflame. Goddammit.

"Let's just go to sleep," he spoke tonelessly, beginning to walk in the direction of my dorm. "I'm tired."

I was tired as well. I was tired of him already. As he glided down the halls, I followed at a respectable distance behind, running different circumstances in my mind. I could just tackle him, give him a swift punch to his smug face for saying such idiotic things.

_Resolve your petty troubles._

How in the fuck was I going to do that?

* * *

><p>This was a bit too easy. Tatara had sent us along to remove a few investigators that worked in an office just outside the 10th Ward. They were in a decrepit, dusty building that offered little breathable air. Tatara sent a nameless minion with us but he didn't last. The investigators ripped through him like tissue paper. Ah, well. We didn't need another weakling.<p>

But, I was perfectly able to recognize Kaneki's fighting skills. He moved like water, no hesitation or doubt or cowardice. I barely did any work. He practically took all of them out with a flick of his kagune.

He painted the walls the shutters the floor the furniture red with their blood.

As he stood over the bodies of the investigators and our freshly dead member, I waited in the doorway. What exactly was he waiting for?

The scent of blood began to shake my senses, a loss of equilibrium blanketing my head in a painful way.

"Get a move on, already," I commanded, irked with his probable introspection and my bleeding eyes. "Let's go."

"Are you hungry?" He asked, peering over his shoulder. "Your eyes."

"Don't worry about it," I shut them in defense. "We need to leave."

Ignoring me, he hunched over the corpse; tearing at the fabric of his pants with no effort. He dug his black nails into his inner thigh, blood seeping from the fresh punctures. The sound of him mutilating the body was a horrific and familiar sound. I looked away as he peeled the skin from the meat. He rose, walking over to me and offering the steak. It smelt divine, even though it was just some middle-aged man. The blood dripped from his fingers, hitting the concrete in light, tapping sounds.

"Here."

I swallowed, my throat burning from the scent of the blood. He placed it in my hand and walked out into the hallway, sitting on the ground.

"Just eat."

He wasn't asking.

I sat opposite to him, my fingers drifting to the corner of my eye. Underneath my fingertips I could feel the violent pulsation. I pulled my mask off my face and he did the same, towing his lipless grin down and pushing his eyepatch into his mass of white hair.

He was staring at me with those dead, gray eyes.

"Do you mind?"

As he glanced away aimlessly, I closed my eyes. I brought the meat to my mouth, tearing off a respectable piece with my teeth. Immediately I sighed from the sweet flavor, my taste buds singing to me. I swallowed after the long chew, the blood coating my throat. Eating more of the meat, I could hear the soft sounds of him cleaning his fingers.

"I thought you were a cannibal," I muttered into my food, red smearing my cheeks.

"I am, but...this undoubtedly tastes superior."

Shuddering, I consumed the last piece.

When I opened my eyes he was sitting right before me, the proximity nonexistent.

"Better?" He asked, a single eye it's usual gunmetal and the other dark and crimson.

"Yes," I answered as he drug his thumb gently across my cheek, picking up the blood on his finger. He closed his lips around his thumb, and I found myself distracted by the act. "Better."

"Good," he replied faintly, leaning in towards me. The organ in my chest seemed to seize as he closed the distance between our faces and took my jaw in his hand.

He brought his mouth to my cheek.

I shut my eyes, my breathing faltering away as his tongue met my skin. He was cleaning the blood off the other side of my face, his delicate tongue moving at a tantalizingly slow measure.

I stayed as still as my body would allow me. I couldn't shiver, twitch or shudder. I would not let him know I was nervous.

But I was. I could hear his pulse beating under his neck, feel the warmth of his blood on every edge of his body. And his blood was unlike anything I've ever inhaled.

As his tongue met the corner of my mouth, a sharp exhale escaped me. It was unstoppable.

"It tastes better off of you," he murmured after gliding over my cheek one last time.

I think I was going to swallow my teeth again. "You-" I couldn't find the words for once. I wasn't pissed at him, I was pissed at myself for enjoying that. He moved away slowly. "You're-"

"Did I make you uncomfortable, Ayato-kun?" He blinked at me, his eyes now at their norm. I doubt mine had reverted, with the burning feeling in my stomach or how my heart came to a raging stop.

"No," I answered bluntly, pushing him away gently and standing to my feet. "Let's go."

* * *

><p>We had to move out again the next day. He was making his coffee, swirling the boiling water around the grinds with a finessed hand. He was so unaffected, and I was the polar opposite. All I could think about what how he was licking me, his silken tongue against my skin, close to my lips, the heat of his breath. It made me cringe. But I couldn't separate myself from him without Tatara giving me shit. I'd just have to compromise for now. I did not like the direction this was heading in.<p>

He drank his coffee, sipping at the hot liquid with despondent eyes.

I walked past him, thankful for my mask that hid a good portion of my unease. "Let's go, eyepatch."

"Mm-hm."

He followed me outside and the minions followed us, dashing down the alleyway.

It was chilly tonight, the wind picking up and biting at my cheeks as we gathered on the rooftops. The CCG cars began to swarm and I directed the members to attack. They descended, pursuing the investigators.

Kaneki knelt down, peering over the ledge of the building.

"You look distracted," he remarked, not even bothering to look at me.

As I glanced down at him, I thought of more scenarios. I could shove him off the ledge, or I could just jump his bones now. I wanted to do both.

"I am."


	3. Cordial

I listened in as the sirens of the CCG cars grew closer. They were driving urgently, their commissions calling them.

"I presume that would be my doing," he rose from his kneel, choosing to stand beside me. In defiance, and for a better view; I took his position in kneeling over the ledge as the cars approached.

"Don't be so presumptuous," I muttered, my voice wrought with agitation. "There's no time for this anyway."

"You're right."

It was a few seconds before the vehicles were in the right locale for a strike.

"Let's go."

"Mm-hm."

We dove off of the building, Kaneki exerting the force of his kagune to tear through the metal that constructed the freeway. He destructed the material with ease, leaving a blockade of hardware before the CCG cars that inevitably came to a screeching stop. I shot bullets of my ukaku at a vehicle's engine as I descended, the machinery meeting its fiery demise and the nearby wall.

As smoke and embers rose from the ruins, Kaneki ran down the ledge of the enclosure to take out the rest of the cars. He stopped before them fearlessly and swept them off their wheels with a single stretch of his kagune. This caused the incoming bus that was transporting our target to collide with the smaller vehicle, flipping over and skidding across the pavement in a wave of orange embers.

The CCG cars that were still intact were locked and loaded, the investigators ready to push back. But the rest of our members descended on them, an unexpected torrent.

As our feet met the ground, I was confident this would be an easy capture. With Kaneki on our side it was child's play.

It was now I who was being presumptuous.

Two unfamiliar ghouls donned in black and white stood steady on a light post as thick, gray smoke clouded around them. By his fixed gaze, it seemed Kaneki found their appearance and entry as peculiar as I did.

"Who are they?" I asked, wary of their presence.

Both of our eyes widened in shock as they twitched, releasing their kagunes simultaneously. They were rinkakus. Each of them had four red, glistening, scaly tentacles. I saw no difference in their kagunes compared to Kaneki's. They looked precisely the same, as if they were clones.

The pair wasted no time to attack Kaneki, a synchronous strike of their rinkakus.

Kaneki shielded himself in his kagune, the clash of red turning his iris the same color. He attempted to strike at them but they dodged efficiently, landing on the ledge of the highway's wall.

"What do you know?" One spoke, her voice a soft hum.

"Just like Papa said. He's strong," they lifted their masks as they did everything else, in synchronization.

They revealed their faces, pale and identical in structure. One had black hair, one had white. The wind picked up and carried their locks as they beheld Kaneki in their gaze. One-eyed gaze. One eye gray, one black and red and bleeding with thrumming veins.

This...was bad. Two more one-eyes, artificials no doubt, bearing exact resemblence to Kaneki's kagune. Even if you don't consider who they are and where they came from, they still-

My train of thought was ceased as the overturned bus erupted violently. That son of a bitch better not be dead in there. "Shit! Hurry up and grab him! Move it!"

We enclosed around the flaming bus.

_"I'm burning!"_ A coarse, desperate voice cried from the interior. "I'm burning...I'm burning...Aniki...Aniki...Aniki...Aniki..." The ghoul broke through the metal and launched himself at his nearest target, me. "I'm burning!"

He was belligerent, throwing sloppy kicks that were much too easy to dodge. All the while he kept screaming _aniki, aniki, aniki._

"Hey, you! We're-" trying to rescue you, idiot.

I round-housed him to stop his incessant struggling. The blond hit the metal barrier, seemingly defeated for a moment as he hung his head. "Aniki..." He whimpered, shuddering. "My feelings! My feelings for Aniki are so hot, the car flipped over! It's no use!" He slammed his fists on the ground before flipping on his back, pounding at the pavement with his flailing arms and legs like a fucking child. He was incoherent and a clearly a fucking idiot.

"What's his story?" I watched him as he carried on. "Of all the people to come out of here, he's nothing more than an idiot."

"Did you call me an idiot?!" My comment grabbed his attention, stopping his tantrum as he looked up at me with all sorts of liquids leaking from every crevice of his face. "The only one who gets to call me an idiot is Aniki Yamori! But you guys..." He pointed a finger in our direction before cracking his middle finger with excessive force. "I'll pound you into a bloody pulp!"

* * *

><p>This guy was barely tolerable. It was fitting for him to be wrecking and throwing about the toys that were inside the abandoned toy store, because at this point I only saw Naki as a petulant child.<p>

"No way! No way! No way! There's no way!" He cried as he held his hair, falling to his knees and letting his bodily fluids run all over his new suit. Uch...

"Aniki...Aniki...Yamori Aniki...you can't be dead...Aniki!" He fell to his back again and resumed his previous tantrum that he had on the highway. It was nauseating just to regrettably regard him. "Damn you, CCG! I'll pound you into a bloody pulp!"

Two of our bigger guards went to go pick him up.

"Aniki, aniki, aniki," I mocked. "Do you think he knows any other words?"

"Seems like he was close with Yamori," Kaneki responded from behind me.

"No shit."

I glanced back at him to see a doleful expression across his face as he watched Naki kick about. My eyes instinctively rolled. His screaming was giving me a headache.

My teeth clicked in disgust. "What a racket. I can feel my brain cells dying just watching him."

"Go, then," he spoke flatly.

Looking over my shoulder, I was taken aback by his reply and his now-dead semblance.

"Gladly."

I walked off as Kaneki took steps towards the man child.

"Aniki! Aniki...Aniki...Aniki...my divine Aniki!"

No, I didn't want to watch this man's juvenile behavior anymore; but I was interested in how Kaneki planned on approaching him. I lingered behind the pillar.

With convulsing hands, he reached for a crayon from a pack that he had thrown. "I wanna see you...I wanna see you, Aniki..."

He scribbled on the ground with the red crayon, muttering Yamori's name. "Is that right? Huh? Is _that_ right? Say, is this right?" He must've been trying to spell out his name in kanji. By the looks of the guards watching him he wasn't very successful.

Kaneki knelt before him, picking up a black crayon and drawing on the ground before Naki.

"This is 'Yamori'?" He asked Kaneki, his voice gravelly.

"Yeah."

Tears met the floor and he began his whining again. As he began to cry his name with his head on the tile, Kaneki stood to his feet.

"Eyepatch!" He called vehemently, his voice rattling my eardrums from where I stood. Kaneki turned to face him again. "You're a good guy! Thanks, man!"

Kaneki didn't really respond, his was expression unreadable from where I was standing. He walked away as Naki continued his wailing.

"I knew you'd be standing there," he mumbled as he walked past me. I followed him, glad Naki's crying was growing distant in sound.

"I was only interested in seeing how you planned on consoling him. Admirable, I guess."

We stayed silent for a moment as we walked, and for that I was grateful. It still felt like Naki's screeching was stuck in my ears.

"He's not a thing like him..." Kaneki muttered, seemingly to himself. "Not at all."

"Besides the-" I cracked my finger in the same fashion as Yamori would. "You mean?"

"Yeah. But they look a bit similiar. I think they were brothers," he glanced to the ground forlornly.

"Is that despondence I hear?" Unbelievable. "God, you're a pussy. That brother of his tortured the humanity out of you, if I'm recalling correctly. And now you feel bad because that psychopath is dead?"

He stopped in his steps, white hair cascading over his eyes.

"I don't feel bad that he's dead. I just know what it's like to lose family."

"Don't we all? You don't see me getting all misty-eyed for him over it."

"Maybe Yamori was all he had."

I chuckled silently. "_Really_ sucks to be him, then."

He shook his head slowly.

_Learn about him._

"Fine, I'll bite. Who'd you lose, Kaneki?"

"Everyone," he answered, now peering up through his hair. His voice and stance was small, like just speaking of this would make him vulnerable. I enjoyed that idea.

"Go on," I gestured him to continue, his answer too vague for my taste.

"My father died when I was young. Too young to remember. My mother overworked herself when I was in grade school."

I attempted to halt the frown I felt growing on my face, but I couldn't. I empathized. Go figure. "How did that happen?"

"Money. She worked part-time in the day, late at night, any free time at home. It was too much."

"Why so much?"

"My mother's sister couldn't support herself. When Yamori was torturing me, I thought of my mother. She loved me immensely, but she couldn't pick me over her sister. That's how she overworked herself."

I inhaled a sharp breath and stepped closer to him. "That's fucked up. You should've came first."

"But I didn't."

I shrugged. "I wouldn't take it personally. Seems like she was too weak to pick between the two of you. How very human of her. I don't want to see any of that from you."

He bared his teeth for a brief moment, the creases under his eyes running deep. I smiled at his despair.

"But I doubt I will. You're a real monster now. A cannibal. Yamori was your first taste, wasn't he? I bet he was rancid."

"Not as rancid as your presence."

"Oh," I feigned disappointment. "I thought you were gay for me. Changed your mind? Shame."

"Unfortunately, I am attracted to you. But you can be so repulsive, Ayato-kun."

"That's a relief to hear. The feeling is oh-so mutual," I gave him a half-lidded glare. "Being all tender and gracious with that fucking pest out there. It makes me sick. You're too fucking nice for this shit."

"Yeah, I was nice to him," he answered, black fingers suddenly tightening around my throat. "He was deserving of it. You, on the other hand..."

My nails dug into my hand, moist from sweat and now blood. I was slowly being deprived of oxygen, vertigo smacking me around.

"I don't intend to be nice to you. You're not deserving of it."

"Boo-hoo for me," I felt myself smirk. "I'm just yearning for your amiable deeds."

"You'll be yearning, alright," he parted his lips and began to move his face closer.

"Stop," I demanded, pushing his hand off my neck. "Not here. Are you fucking crazy?"

"We're supposed to be getting along, aren't we?" He asked, his thumb now tracing curve of my upper lip. "It'll be good if someone sees. Otherwise how would they know we're getting along so well?"

I swatted his hand away a second time. "Would you just quit it, already? I don't fucking want this. I don't want you."

"Lie," he deadpanned, extracting the space between our bodies. His fingers traipsed up my thigh as he leaned his forearm against the concrete, making certain he was all that was visible. "You're hard. Just like you were when I cleaned your face."

He repeated the act, skimming his tongue over my cheek. My brow tensed and I clenched my lips tightly together as he took my chin in his black fingers.

"Open your mouth."

I was a liar. It was a pathetic, pathetic lie that I kept telling myself over and over and over because I wasn't ready to accept it. I wasn't ready to accept that we were attracted to each other and he made my stomach feel like it was consuming itself and when he forced me against the wall and spoke down to me like I was nothing that I loved it. Excessively so.

I did as he commanded of me, parting my lips. He tilted his head and traced his tongue around the seam of my mouth before closing his lips over mine. I exhaled through my nose, relieved it was finally done with.

But my bliss was fleeting, stolen when he gripped me through my pants; inciting a gasp. He chuckled at my surprise.

The bastard.

I bit down on his bottom lip in retaliation, hoping to shake some mutual anger.

There was none. He moaned into my mouth as his blood pooled under my tongue. The harmonious taste shot my eyes crimson. I found myself lacking air and self control.

"Ayato-kun," he whispered haltingly, his voice barely audible. "Do that again."

I glanced up at him, the blood beading on the left side of his bottom lip and his gray eyes staring me down like I was a meal. I clenched my teeth on the opposite side of his lip, applying more pressure this time. He whimpered softly, a sweet and desperate sound.

His hand slid from the wall as I mopped up the blood. He pulled my waist to his as his tongue pried my lips apart, invading my mouth in an aggressive way.

In this kiss I could only taste his blood and feel him pressing against me. Being against each other like this...I could hardly hold myself up. My fingers found his hair. It was surprisingly soft. His mouth absorbed my moans as he continued to weigh down on me.

But I heard a small disruption down the hallway, a slight sound that shocked me from our improbable act. I pushed him away with force. Catching my breath, I watched him as he ran his fingers slowly over his lips, collecting the blood. I smiled at the sight. He was more weak to me than I had thought.

"I look forward to you not being nice to me."


	4. Incisive

"What?" I hissed, my voice and demeanor like that of a cornered animal. I could feel his eyes on me as I stripped off my jacket and walked over to place it in the closet. "Fucking say what you're thinking instead of staring me with those creepy eyes-"

When I turned from the closet he was unexpectedly right behind me. Taking my wrist in his hand, he pulled me as close as physics would allow.

Fine. I could stop pretending. For now.

I planted a kiss on his lips. He mimicked the action, pressing our mouths together with unnecessary force before parting his lips over mine. I gave him access to my mouth and we mingled, just like we did in the hall. But it was much better to be in our room instead, behind a closed door. It was more comfortable this way.

His hand slid far down my waist as I wrapped my arms around his neck. God...I couldn't believe I was kissing this asshole. But admittedly, I enjoyed it. He was good at it. We were good at it. It was just a perfect immersion.

Almost perfect. I was hardly receiving any oxygen. He was stealing all the air from me.

I leaned back, my arms returning to my side.

"Ayato-kun," he murmured into the flesh of my neck, his voice smoky against my ear.

"What is it..."

"Just keep still."

I was confused by his request, but I did as he asked. He unbuttoned that hideous excuse for a jacket and let it fall carelessly to the floor. I assumed he was just getting more comfortable. Still...watching him remove an article of clothing made me think about doing things _besides_ kissing. I haven't had time to think that far...

His hands began to brush my hair, black fingernails pushing the strands off my neck and tucking it behind my ears. He did this slowly, watching his hands as they lingered on the curve of my ear. The contact was so gentle that it tickled a bit. Then he swept my bangs aside, as if to see more of my face. When he was satisfied he cradled my face in his hands and pulled me into a kiss. It was barely a touch.

He took my wrist again and led me to my bed, laying me down.

We were moving so fast before, I wasn't even able to register all that was happening. I wasn't able to feel the real softness of his lips or the heat of his hands. It was all blood and heavy breathing and unwarranted grabbing.

Now he hovered over me, touching my hair again before giving me another kiss. His fingers slid up my shirt, tracing warm patterns on my skin. He opened his mouth and our tongues met again. But this time it was slow and pleasant and I could finally breathe. My hands eased up his back, feeling the muscles over his bones under the fabric of his suit. As my hands tightened on his back, he severed our ardent kiss. His lips were all red and wet from the act.

"I thought you weren't going to be nice to me," I mumbled solemnly, though I was anything but disappointed.

"And I thought you 'didn't fucking want this'," he replied languidly.

For once I didn't know what to say. Unsure how to respond, I looked away from his face. He adjusted his position, pressing tighter against me and pinning my hands above my head. It made my heart thrum rapidly against my chest, the expression in his eyes ever indecipherable. I struggled with the discomfort at first, but there was nothing I could really do. He's stronger than me.

"Make no mistake, Ayato-kun. You irritate me," he spoke down to me, our faces close. "Your immaturity makes me shake with anger. Half the time you speak, the words coming out of your mouth are complete bullshit. But it makes no difference to you."

My pulse accelerated as he pointed out my faults. Well, if we were going to play _that_ tired game; I had quite the list for him.

"Still..." he muttered, his voice and grip softening. "I like you. Your confidence and valiance...your face. I wish you'd smile more. I feel...stronger in your presence."

Now my head began to ache with his compliments. It was easier to endure his insults.

"But I don't need to be kind to you. Especially if you don't want me to. I-I'd like to think I can turn those feelings off."

"I want you to be _tolerable_," I answered bluntly. "You have been, for the most part. I just-"

I didn't need these types of emotions in my life. Where the fuck did love and support ever get me?

He smiled, seeming to understand. "Don't worry about it, Ayato-kun. We should focus on our tasks, anyways. But this is a good way for us to relax, is it not?"

Connecting our lips again, he released the hold on my wrists. His hand now slid down my side, squeezing my waist. The pressure coming from his lower half against mine caused me to moan quietly. I was very relaxed. I don't remember the last time I've felt so calm.

He was soon gone, though. He walked away to change out of his suit. Disappointment settled in once his weight was off of me. Butterflies pounded against my stomach, leaving me feeling pleasantly nauseous. I slapped my cheeks with full force then tucked myself under the covers.

With his little proclamation, it left me considering what my emotions for him were. Considering, yes, but this was nothing I wanted to deal with. I could just use him physically for my own personal release without attaching feelings. That would be ideal.

* * *

><p>Eto's plan for the next day was to attack Cochlea, a ghoul detention center. It was a long, round building; walls coated with quinque steel to help keep their prisoners secure within. There were four floors and multiple paths for each section. The roof was a wide open structure, quite effortless for infiltration.<p>

Hundreds of us descended upon the doves, a few being taken out by quinque bullets. Once landed Naki immediately started attacking with his koukaku, blue blade confidently cutting down a dove. He pulled off his cloak. I very much preferred this over his wailing. Noro began to attack as well, still as a statue as he executed multiple CCG members. They destroyed the containment system to free the imprisoned ghouls; who no doubt would rally to their savior's side. The cells began to lift from the floor, and the first floor investigators were defeated in a wave of repressed kagunes. The entire building already reeked of blood and decomposition.

Kaneki and I began to travel down the stairs, several members separating us. But they were soon exterminated in a wave of unexpected bullets; thankfully shielding me. The doves were shooting from a path a level down, and the barrier was already beginning to close. Without even any instruction, Kaneki jumped down the flight of stairs and released his kagune. He used his rinkaku to hold the barrier open. We were completely in sync.

"Hold it open!" I descended through the opening and shielded myself in my kagune, shooting down the CCG members with my bullets on the way down. As I landed, a red leg outstretched before me and knocked the guns from the guard's hands. They ran, wailing on their way out. Of course he'd only disarm them. So typical.

I watched as his single kakugan stared down the fresh corpses.

"We don't have time for eating," I told him.

"Mm," he looked over his shoulder. "This is where we separate."

I nodded. "That's right. Find Shachi. He's on the third floor. Just-"

"What?"

Shachi was formidable and unpredictable. I wasn't sure entrusting this task to Kaneki was a good idea.

"Just be careful."

I think he smiled under his mask, his red eye softening. "Are you worried about me, Ayato-kun?"

"Not exactly," I released an exasperated sigh. "It'd just be awfully inconvenient if you were to die."

"And it's convenient for you that we're in the middle of a mission," he pulled his mask down and walked over to me. "I'll get you to admit it eventually."

"Shut the fuck up," I removed my mask and tugged the collar of his coat with my free hand. I melded our lips together, my body heat rising with fear and prurience.

He attempted to deepen the kiss, but I pushed him away. "Don't die," I placed my mask back on and walked away quickly, knowing I didn't have the strength to watch him to leave.

* * *

><p>I stood on the second floor path, gratuitous air conditioning smacking my skin. As the cell doors shut, I heard a voice.<p>

"Of all the..." A man walked through, wearing a white coat and carrying a silver briefcase. An investigator no doubt. "Juzo has run off somewhere yet again, and I haven't found any sign of Amon."

Best to take him out. I could use the distraction and the practice.

I landed before him quietly.

"This is not _my_ lucky day, either." He clicked his briefcase to release his quinque, a large cleaver-like instrument that illuminated red.

He began to run. I set my kagune loose, following his path. I shot bullets in his direction. He blocked them rather efficiently, though a few grazed his legs. With a yell, he came running and swinging in my direction like a barbarian. I jumped over his head, dodging his poorly-executed attack. I rushed him with both wings, trying to break his weapon.

But something nearby awakened my senses. The familiar smell impeded my heart beat.

What is this I'm sensing...?

He used the momentum of our clash to push himself away. My bleeding eyes followed him.

"Phew, you're not bad," he spoke nonchalantly. With force he pounded the head of his quinque into the ground, taking off his coat. "I think I'll have to use my Arata."

Pops...?

In a surge of static and red he armored himself in quinque material. My breathing hitched as I studied the dove.

"Oh, I get it...so _that's_ where you are," I spoke under my breath. "My lousy Pop."

That means...he's alive? Who knows. What I do know is that they're using his kagune for their fucking armor.

As I charged at the man, I tried to ignore the salt burning in my eyes.


	5. Savior

I think...the most difficult part was having to look at him. Not the investigator, not him. He was irrelevant. A gnat.

What I loathed was having to behold his armor. My father. It was shiny, sturdy, secure.

I sent a long, thick spiral of my ukaku towards the dove. It barreled its way to him, but he was able to jump out of harm's way. He ran at me with another attack, one I was able to dodge. I sent more bullets toward him mid-air, but he blocked them with his quinque.

Attack after attack he was able to dodge. I could feel my Rc cells depleting by the second. I hadn't given up yet, though.

There was a jolt of pain in my shoulder, he was able to scrape me with his weapon. I held the wound tight, shooting more bullets his way as blood seeped through my fingers.

Each strike I delivered was beginning to feel futile. Although my father had slowed him down, he still had his weapon. He still had the protection of the armor, and I wasn't strong enough.

Breath escaped me, and I was sent hurdling. My muscles ached significantly. My head throbbed with a vengeance. My tongue tasted metal.

"Damn it..." I was already running out of energy, my breath heaving as my eyes thrummed so violently it was agonizing. I couldn't give in now. Where _was_ he...? I needed his strength, his confidence in me.

Fuck it all. Staring down at his armor made my teeth grind. The CCG was going to regret ever using my father.

Resuming my attack wasn't arduous. I had plenty of conviction.

"My Arata's movements are sluggish," he noted, no doubt speaking to himself. "Why?"

I had little stamina left, I had to make this attack count. I ran towards him with what speed I could muster up, grunting as I attempted to pierce him with my left wing. His quinque met my kagune. A sharp, biting pain that felt as if someone had burned my wing off down to my back. My face hit the cold floor as my shoulders burned. Where _was_ he...?

The tile had its appeal. It was smooth, cooling against my skin that felt white-hot. Still, I tried to push myself up. What little pathetic groans were escaping me I couldn't even hear. My shoulders weren't even able to support the weight of my arms. They shook under me. I'd never been this weak. Where _**WAS**_ he...?

I heard the slice of air as the investigator lifted his quinque over his head, ready to extinguish my sorry existence. So with my last drop of stamina I stood to my feet, raising my fist. My knees met the ground and my hand met my father. My knuckles rested on the dove's stomach, the material underneath me smooth and cool to the touch. Maybe what a pearl's surface would feel like. I don't know.

My tired eyes peered up, scanning the armor.

For whatever reason I relived a memory, the time when my father was reading to Touka and I. 'Godot's Snow', if I remember correctly. He had to read it to us three times for us to finally fall asleep. My family...my father's warm shoulder, Touka's quiet little breathing beside me...what did I have to do? What did I have to do to get that back?! ...when he left that night he didn't return.

_Dad..._

My body betrayed me, crumbling under my own weight yet again. I met he floor and I was going to die. Before I lost my bothersome consciousness, I thought about him again. I should've been kinder to him. I should've...I wanted to kiss him again.

* * *

><p>I saw just enough. I saw too much. I had never seen Ayato so powerless, so fragile. Of course I knew all along that who I just saw collapsing on the ground was who he was all along. And I wouldn't let this man kill him. Not a fucking chance. I sent my kagune down towards the investigator, crushing the ground. I created a fucking sandstorm, and under the cover of dust I brushed Ayato-kun to safety. This man was going to wish he had never hurt Ayato-kun.<p>

This new kagune was uncharted territory, but I was growing fond of it already. I jumped around the balconies and across the walls in an attempt to disorient him. It was certainly working. He was searching around for me, eyes like a lost puppy. My feet carried me effortlessly, and I felt the grin on my face grow.

Never in my life had I been excited to kill, to attack. But I was beyond enthusiastic. Watching him kick Ayato-kun around made my stomach twist into aching knots.

It was _my_ turn now.

I sent the centipede after him first, followed by my rinkaku. Dust kicked up yet again and he ran able to run away from my strike. I enclosed my rinkaku around him and landed before the dove, attacking him with the centipede. But he was deft enough, blocking my attack with his quinque. Ah, well...I suppose this would require a bit more effort on my part.

The investigator, like the walls, was covered in scratches. His armor was damaged as I continued to assault him with the centipede. After enough forceful attacks I sent him tumbling, his grip still tight on his weapon.

"You outdo my Arata, huh?" He looked up from the ground, eyes teeming with fury. "Even so...!"

I was tired of hearing him speak. I launched toward him, faking and attack as I leaped onto the walls again. My smile had never left. He was mine now. I outstretched the centipede towards the dove to finally finish him. As I descended, I noticed he had yet again dodged my attack.

"You're mine!"

At first I didn't feel the pain, I only saw a wave of red. Then the burning came, a deep slice in my side. I cried out in pain as my kagune dissipated, my face falling flat on the floor.

"I still have lots of quality time left to spend with my family."

His voice was but a whisper in my head. He was irrelevant. A gnat.

I still had people to protect. Ayato-kun, Hide, Touka-chan...

This man would not be the death of me.

I released my rinkaku yet again, my body convulsing as I pushed myself to my knees.

"M-My fingers...on the bench..." Was I speaking? My lips were moving and my tongue was working, but my mind wasn't purposely sending any words. I could only feel the piercing smile on my face, the taste of my own blood in my mouth. I was on my feet again. "C-Centipedes...i-in my ears..."

The centipede had returned and I had never felt more capable.

"How many kagune sacs does this guy have?!" He exclaimed.

I hung my head back, laughter flowing from my mouth and filling the open air. "A thousand minus..." My body went forward, now bending over. "A-A thousand minus...s-seven..."

_993, 986, 979, 972..._

"Of all the ghouls I've ever faced..."

I looked back at the man who was holding his quinque, ready to fight again.

"...seven is what...?" My smile widened.

"...you're the craziest one yet."

_965._

I cracked my index finger and took off, moving so quickly that the entire world was a blur. I stopped behind him. Once he noticed my presence it was too late. The terror in his eyes had finally satisfied me. I was quenched. I whirled around him and penetrated him with my kagune. "...that's for Ayato-kun," another laugh escaped me.

A siren sound began to chime, and a thick white gas started to billow from vents in the walls. I don't know what this gas was, but it didn't concern me. I was hungry.

My kagune spun and twitched as I began to brake my food's armor, the material snapping like a twig. I ate the material. It crunched under my teeth like potato chips. It tasted horrible. I continued to eat, just to refuel the Rc cells that I had lost.

But I was lost in the act in the taste. Someone was behind me.

"Eyepatch!"

Another investigator. He attacked me with his quinque. It was flat and red, glowing as if there was a light inside it. I blocked his weapon with my kagune and pushed him off. But he was persistent. He ran back at me again, repeating the same dance.

"Eyepatch! I wanted to speak with you!" He closed his eyes as he spoke tremulously. "Why...did you not...kill me back then?!" He shouted, his eyes now open so wide I thought they were going to pop out of his head. What was this man going on about? This is what he interrupted me for? "That night, you were crying. Was that...a lie?!"

His quinque severed two of my rinkaku legs. The pain was immense. I could feel it twitch and bubble and pulse in an attempt to regenerate.

"I thought that I could get an answer from you...as to why I wasn't killed," He pulled out another handle and forced it into his weapon, splitting the quinque into two. The hostile expression returned to his face. "You, the one who let me go!"

He struck me again, slicing off another leg. He went for my head so I ducked, one of his quinque's flying from his hand. But that didn't stop him. He cut off my remaining rinkaku before stepping down on the centipede. In one fluid movement he separated what kagune I had remaining from my body. The pain was so great that I didn't feel it anymore. I looked over my shoulder, turning to face him. He launched me with his weapon. Without my kagune, there wasn't much I could do. I was fast enough...I was fast enough to get away from him. I'll find Ayato and we'll escape.

Against the ground, I lifted myself to crawl away. But his quinque was now blocking my vision.

"That's all, right?" He whispered. "An ordinary ghoul is all you are, right?! That's all right?!"

He was shouting again, his words rumbling around in my skull. Something began to sting my eyes, a soft wetness gliding down my scraped cheek. My fingers tightened, my head following my tears on the floor.

This...wasn't me...

This sour taste in my mouth, this joy of killing...

My kagune vanished again, cold air brushing my back.

"I...don't want to eat anymore..." I whimpered, finally regaining control over my voice again. But I was so quiet I could barely hear myself.

There was a noise; heavy objects hitting the ground, a creak, a growl. I didn't care. I wanted to find Ayato and bury my face in his warm shoulder, feel the soft, fur fabric of his coat. Where _was_ he...?

The ground shook.

"Investigator Amon!" A woman's voice called. She exclaimed quietly as the sounds of stretching and electricity permeated my ears. "The one-eyed...Owl!"

Suddenly my body was snatched, claws digging deep into my torso. I cried out from the additional pain.

But I saw Ayato. His beautiful, torn up face as he squirmed under its claw. This creature held both of us in it's grasp, stealing our oxygen.

"Ay-Ayato-!" I screamed, reaching out towards him. I don't think he heard me, he was struggling himself.

Air beat down heavily on my head as the creature launched itself upward. I hung in it's clutches, practically lifeless. I don't know if it was a friend or foe, or where it was even taking us.

...but I was with Ayato-kun. I would be okay.


	6. Gratify

Each intake of breath was sharp, a twinge in my lungs. It was easier to sleep when Kaneki was by my side. The Owl returned us and he wanted to sleep in my bed. I didn't even protest. At first he was cold, like his body was wrapped in a thin sheet of ice. Throughout the night he had warmed up, though. He fell asleep first, and his steady breathing lulled me to sleep.

But the warmth was gone and I had woken up alone. His weight was still indented on my mattress but he was not present. It was the next day from what I could see outside my window. The sun shone inside my room, blinding my tired eyes. With a sigh I walked to my window and shut the blinds. I suppose I should go look for him.

I changed out of my coat. It felt too heavy now from sleeping in it, my hair was beginning to stick to my neck. I pulled on a black t-shirt and tied my hair back. Just as I snapped the band against my locks, I heard a crash. It was relatively quiet, but still audible. It sounded like glass had hit the floor. I exited my room and followed the sound to the main hall.

I found Kaneki, his chair and his person fallen over on the concrete.

"Kaneki?" I called out, taking small steps towards him.

With his head in his hands he groaned. The noises became more consistent until he was essentially crying. The crying turned into screaming and he released his kagune.

He didn't appear to be in control of it. My eyes widened in awe. I had never seen this kagune on him before. There was a single leg, a deep crimson color that radiated a brighter red. On the leg there were legs, and...it had a similar appearance to an insect. A centipede.

As he wailed the kagune struck the ceiling, concrete falling down like flakes of snow. Then it smacked against the floor with great velocity, crumbling the material underneath. This solid structure that was concrete wasn't even able to withstand the force his kagune came with. He was on his feet as the kagune struck the nearby pillar, more cement destroyed. Kaneki didn't even have authority over his body. His kagune was carrying him and whipping him around, his feet barely grounded. He lifted his head from his hands and cut the air with a bloodcurdling shriek.

Against my better judgement, I ran towards him in the small hiatus of his mania. His kagune remained dormant. I was expecting it to lash out at me any minute, but it didn't. He remained with his eyes on the ceiling, his mouth still hanging open from his scream. He was catatonic in that small moment, only his kagune twitched around him.

"Kaneki," I grasped his shoulders. He didn't respond. He didn't even _blink_. The skin of my palm met his cheek with a severe sting. My slap had left his cheek a bit reddened, but I had achieved what I set out to do. His head fell and his mouth shut. His kagune retracted. He slowly lifted his head, his brooding eyes staring me down. Though he had slept perfectly fine last night, dark circles pooled under his eyes. They were purple, borderline gray. He blinked once.

"Ay...ato-kun," just the mere act of speaking my name was straining him. The screaming had no doubt left his mouth dry. Regardless, he pressed his lips against mine softly. They were split and cracked but it wasn't unpleasant. "Gomen," he croaked, his fingers now shakily brushing my face. "Something's _very_ wrong...please stay away."

"I don't think so," I responded quietly, pulling his arm around my shoulder. I began to lug him towards the couch. "You just need to rest."

"You need to go," he repeated as I placed him on the sofa. "You need to..." His words trailed off as he hit the cushions, curling up against them.

With an exhale I sat on the ground before the furniture.

The image of that kagune was still burned in my mind. It yanked him around, convulsed as if it was living. For his kagune to evolve in such a way, he had to be evolving himself. No doubt he had been consuming the flesh of other ghouls. Cannibalize long enough and you'll turn into a kakuja. But he was incomplete. This was obvious because of how he was behaving, psychotic and unmanageable.

He had saved me at Cochlea, though. Was this through any rationalization of his? That he knew I would die? In that moment, did he even care?

My thoughts were interrupted as Kaneki began to make quiet sounds, his breath laboring. I turned around as he curled up further.

"Don't give in."

Another tense groaned escaped him as he shifted, his hand gripping the side of the couch. I quickly stood to my feet as I watched the fabric of his jacket turn red. His hand squeezed the leather further, tearing it. He shrieked again, standing on his knees as his hands gripped his hair. His rinkaku expanded, flowing from his lower back.

"Kaneki...you're stronger than-"

In one fluid movement I was slammed against the ground. His waist pressed against mine tightly as he sat on top of me, overshadowing my vision. I swallowed, my throat drying. His eyes were dead once again.

"Don't," I shook my head as his kagune twirled around my wrists, pulling my arms away from my body. "_Don't you fucking dare_."

He smiled at me, leaning over to ghost his lips over mine. "I have to..." He spoke haltingly. I could see now that Kaneki was gone.

Pain.

Having been in so many fights, having been struck with a kagune or a quinque so many times; I had learned to tune it out. Ignoring pain was possible.

But this pain wasn't. When someone you cared for inflicted pain upon you, be it emotional or physical; it was impossible to ignore. It felt amplified, like every nerve in your body was betraying you. Every cell laughed at you. Every-fucking-thing cursed you.

His teeth tore into my neck, the sound similar to someone tearing a sheet of paper. I gritted my teeth with extreme force, trying my hardest not to scream. But I wanted to. I wanted to scream to distract myself from the pain and to let my mind be partially preoccupied with my rattling throat. I didn't release a single shout. With his previous screaming, I didn't want any more attention drawn to us. I didn't want anyone to see him pinning me down and chomping at my flesh like I was just another meal. Like I had never meant anything to him.

My skin separated from my flesh. He chewed further at my neck, tendons snapping and tissues shredding. The pain radiated an immense heat, but I could still feel the heat of his breath. A single tear slid down my cheek as he moaned into my open wound.

Again...was he present in this? Was he in there somewhere? I knew I certainly didn't taste good, not to his taste buds. So why was he moaning? Why was he hard against my waist? My hands tightened into fists as he licked the blood that was collecting in my clavicle. He sucked the wound for it's blood as well, leaving me drained and limp.

With an exhale his kagune released me and retracted. He fell against the floor beside me, his breath heaving. Eventually it slowed. I think he fell asleep. I checked to be certain he was. He looked blissful, his eyes closed and his lips stained red. They were slightly parted as they took oxygen. I released a single, quiet sob into my hand.

* * *

><p>I was surprised I could even lift him. He was less heavier than I thought he'd be. I carried him to our room and placed him down on his bed. He immediately nuzzled his head against the pillow.<p>

Fuck...the pain in my neck was ringing. I checked it in the bathroom. It was red, raw and disgusting. The entire area was swollen. It looked like I had been mauled by a wild animal. I suppose in a sense I had been.

I shut off the light in the bathroom and sat on my bed, listening to music to distract myself.

The new weight on my bed shook me out of my doze. He was sitting at the foot of my bed, his eyes burning a hole into the ground. I pulled the buds from my ears.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, his voice brittle.

"So you did know what you were doing?"

"Yes and no. My mind and body becomes overwhelmed, but...I'm still in there. Struggling to find my way back. It's as if I'm trapped," he then turned to face me. "I'd never do anything to hurt you."

"It's a little late to be saying that," I muttered bitterly, rubbing the area on my neck where the feasting had occurred. It healed by now, the skin stretched over fresh and smooth. "But...I suppose it's a good thing. You were really far gone there, you needed to eat. I just don't want to be your snack next time."

He inhaled. "That will never happen again. I don't want to eat, but...I don't want to hurt you more."

"Okay," I nodded slowly. I wasn't angry with him for this. I never really was.

"If you'd allow me," he spoke softly. "I'd like to make it up to you."

"Oh...?" I held my breath as he scooted closer towards me.

"I don't want to cause you anymore pain..."

He leaned forward, pressing our lips together softly.

"Y-You don't have to do anything," I reminded him as he laid me down. "I'm not angry."

"Please, let me," he kissed my neck gently, the spot where he had torn into me just hours ago. "I have to fix this."

"There's nothing to fix," I inhaled sharply as he touched me. I was already growing hard under his grasp. "D-Don't do anything you wouldn't do normally. You're not obliged."

"Don't be ridiculous, Ayato-kun," he smiled against my neck. "I want to do everything to you. I have for a long time."

Our lips met again. I moaned quietly as he continued to touch me, his grip tighter now. His tongue eased into my mouth slowly. The kiss heated up, all innocence fading away as my submissive tongue followed his lead. He pulled away slowly and began pressing kisses to my chin, my neck, my collarbone. My heart pounded against my chest as he moved further down, lifting up my shirt just a bit. He kissed the indentation of my hips as he lowered my pants. I sighed once I was released, immediately feeling relief.

"Is this okay?" He asked, his voice just above just a whisper as he took my hardness in his hand.

I nodded, watching him.

As his tongue flicked against me for the first time I bit down on my lip. He was a bit of a tease, just circling around the head and the extremely sensitive areas. I moaned, propping myself up on my forearms. As saliva trickled down me he began to take me into his mouth. He started gradually. The tease was too much, I could barely keep my hips still. He pinned them down but I still shifted under his grip with a moan. As he continued to take more of me, his nails dug into my hips, clawing at me. It was gentle but still slightly painful. Mixed along with the pleasure I was receiving I didn't mind. It only made his mouth feel that much better.

His hand squeezed my hip as I felt the back of his throat. I moaned into the open air, my fingers finding his impeccably soft locks. I twisted my hand in his hair as he held me there, warm and enclosing.

"Mm..." He slid back up, pulling off. He dampened his right hand and began to stroke me, another warm feeling. My head hit the bed frame as I moaned, my body weakening. He went back for more, drawing and stroking simultaneously. The action was so gratifying it was almost painful.

I was close, my moans reaching their pinnacle. "Fuck," I cursed as proceeded, suffocating me with the back of his throat again. I covered my mouth with my hand in an attempt to stifle my moans as I unraveled. My body was blanketed in warmth and contentment as he pulled off, swallowing and wiping his mouth. I felt luxurious as he kissed my stomach once more, eventually finding his way back up and blending our tongues. I held his hair tightly, my body still shivering from my climax.

He kissed my cheekbone, my brow, my hairline.

"Ayato?"

"Yes?" I mumbled into his shoulder.

"Do you want to take a bath?"

"Yes."

* * *

><p>I sank into the tub first, the water almost too hot to bear. I shuddered from the heat, slowly adjusting my position. I peered over to look at him. He was facing the mirror, pulling off his jacket. He unzipped his suit. In the dim light of the bathroom his white hair almost appeared golden, reflecting any color it was given. He removed his arms from the sleeves, every movement he made laden with grace. He stepped out of his suit. Shirtless, under this light, my fingers twitched underwater. Each muscle seemed more sculpted, more visible. He caught me staring at him. My cheeks flushed with color as he stared me down with lustful, hungry eyes. The eye contact was insufferable, I had to break it. I pulled my knees to my chest and stared into the water. He was a masterpiece. If he was a statue he'd be carved of marble. White and smooth and strong.<p>

He entered the water, the heat not bothering him in the least.

"Can I apologize again?" He shattered the silence.

"No. You didn't do it on purpose," I sighed, leaning against the rim of the tub. "My dad was a kakuja, you know."

"He was?"

"Yeah. I thought he was dead all this time. I mean, I assume he's alive because that investigator had armor made from his kagune."

Kaneki looked away for a moment, a guilty look washing over his face. "I'm sorry, Ayato-kun."

I gave a small rise and fall of my shoulders. "It's fine. But I'd rather him be dead than having his kagune used for those fucking bastards."

"I understand," he muttered.

"I suppose I should thank you," I smiled. "For saving my life."

"No need," he shook his head. "I'd do it a thousand times over."

"You saw that thing that took us, right? The Owl?"

"Yeah," Kaneki nodded in response. "I've heard stories but...shit. You should thank _that_ thing. Both of us would've died if it didn't show up."

I swallowed, looking into the water again. I wanted to tell him that when I thought I was going to lose my life, he was the last thing I thought of. Kissing him was the last thing I thought of.

"Are you alright?" He asked, noticing my obvious introspection.

"Yeah," I nodded with a smile. "Can I lay on you?"

His expression sobered and a smile crossed his lips. "Of course."

He shifted against the porcelain. The water rippled as I leaned against his chest. He began to trace patterns on my shoulder with his wet fingers. I sighed quietly into his damp skin. I wasn't ready to tell him yet.


	7. Concede

She was sprinting. Rushing to catch up with me. I considered not turning around at first. Not because I didn't respect her or didn't want to see her, but because I simply wasn't ready to face her. It didn't matter now. She had caught up with me, like I had suspected she would. Admittedly, I was relieved when I heard she was at school instead. That's what should be the object of her focus. Not me. Not the countless headaches I'm sure I've caused her. But she was here now. I at least owed her some sort of an explanation. And she deserved my respect. Not the back of my head, my face. In the past, she could be a pain. Not unlike her brother. But it was never unpleasant. She had always been there for me and defended me. She helped me with my job at Anteiku (though it was mainly her bossing me around...I didn't mind), defeated Tsukiyama when I lacked the strength to do so myself, attempted to defend me when Ayato and Yamori kidnapped me from Anteiku, and then came along with the rest of Anteiku to rescue me from them. I'm sure she was the one who rallied them all together. My love for her was strong. Too strong to turn away from her now. And she wouldn't understand that I joined Aogiri because of my love for her and the rest of them. She wouldn't understand my relationship with her brother.

Her breathing was heavy, so unregulated I could hear it from yards away. She must've ran all the way from Kamii. Her lungs were burning and her muscles were sore for my sake. I took a deep inhale before turning around. Our eyes connected and the breeze picked up around us. She made her way towards me, her footsteps a thundering sound. I couldn't even hear the traffic under the bridge we stood on. She blinked a few times, as if her mind was recognizing me. Undoubtedly I was not the same person from her memory. She cast her eyes downward with a frown. I did the same.

"I talked to the manager," I told her. "He told me to come back to Anteiku."

"And?" She murmured, hardly audible.

"I don't know."

A short silence was inserted between us as the traffic carried on and the sun made it's way west.

"I want to protect all of you. I don't want to let those who are precious to me get taken away. So..." I lifted my finger and pressed down on the knuckle, the quiet sound soothing to my ears. "I have to get stronger."

I knew she wouldn't like this answer, this sorry expression. It wasn't a very good one, that I knew as well. But it was the truth.

"That's why you went to Aogiri?" Her voice hardened a bit. "You have no right to want to protect us. We have no business being protected by you."

Fair, I suppose. I had left them and joined the enemy. But it wasn't for me. No, it wasn't...

I glanced up to see her head had fallen, indigo hair shielding her irate aspect.

"I have...other commitments as well."

"What commitments? To who?" As her voice cracked I maintained contact with those familiar eyes.

"Your brother."

"What does that mean? What are you saying?"

"I think you know..." I muttered, tearing my eyes away now. I couldn't see bear her reaction or the similarities in their faces.

"What?! Are you serious? There's no _fucking_ way...!" Tensing my muscles, I prepared for the absolute worst. "He hates you."

"You'd probably find that's not the case anymore."

"You..." Her voice hindered, and she shook her head furiously. "You pervert! Do you know how old he is?! Not to mention the most unstable person I've ever met. You dare stand here all innocent with your forlorn looks while you're taking advantage of my brother?!"

"That's not how it is, Touka," I responded calmly.

"Then how is it?" She seethed through a clenched jaw.

"I care for him," more so than I had intended. "And I have to protect him as well."

Another distressing silence settled between us. She broke it with a scoff. "You pretend to be thinking about others, but ultimately, you're only thinking about yourself."

Wrong.

"As long as you aren't alone," my hand gravitated to my chin. "I'm fine with that." That was not the truth. I didn't want her to think these things of me. Her opinion, her view...it mattered. It mattered more than I had realized myself, because her words deterred my heartbeat my pulse my breathing. More footsteps. My hand was up before she even formed a fist. Our flesh met, and I could feel her shaking through her fist.

"Don't mock me."

"Let's stop this, Touka."

"Shut up," she hissed. "Don't decide for yourself that I wouldn't be fine alone. Acting like some shitty tragic hero with that broody look."

Her left lifted and she swung at my head. I moved from her attack's way. "There's no way-" she threw her leg at me again. I blocked the blow with my arm. "-someone who can't-" her left fist came hurdling towards me. I pushed her away with my arm, trying not to put too much force behind it. She was on her hands for a moment, readying for another kick I'm sure. And sure enough her leg came towards my face another time. "-even protect himself-" I had to flip backwards just to avoid it. She was still very fast. I had expected her to become violent, I just hoped she wouldn't. "-can protect anyone else," Another nimble hoist of her leg brought my arms together to block once more. "-is there?!"

She was shouting now, her callous words rattling my brain. "You're an eyesore. Trash like you-" she paused, gathering her breath and swallowing tears. "-trash like you should stay out of Anteiku!"

My breathing stopped again. Without Anteiku, without Touka and Hinami and all of them, what did I have exactly...? Doused in my shock and contemplation, she took this opportunity to finally punch me. I couldn't deny that it was well deserved. I flew for a respectable distance before my back collided with the ground. She pounced and was on top of me, delivering a punch each time she shouted _why?!_ My face didn't swell, and it wasn't painful. No, the physical pain did not exist. It was my heart that felt like it was burning.

"Why..." She retracted her hand and rested her fists on my chest as she convulsed in her anguish. "Why did you have to change?"

Touka left me there and I listened until her footsteps turned into naught.

_Why...indeed?_

A soft smiled stretched my lips. At least...she wasn't completely indifferent to me. That was something I had feared.

* * *

><p>When I returned to my room at the hideout, I noticed Ayato by the closet pulling on a shirt. His headphones were in and I could hear the music blaring from the doorway. I smiled and I watched him nod his head along with the beat. I crept up on him, my footsteps silent even though he wouldn't be able to hear a car crash right now. I spun him by his shoulders and pulling him into a kiss. It took him a moment to reciprocate, but he did so and pulled the buds from his ears.<p>

"You were gone a long time..." He muttered, his slender fingers now toying with the buttons on my collar.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Where did you go?" Ayato walked past me and sat down on his bed, turning off the music. I glanced into the open bathroom door. I cherished the moment of him against my chest in the tub, relishing the feel of the warm water and his breath against my neck. I could tell how calm and content he was in that moment, it radiated off of him. And if he was happy now, that was soon going to change.

"I went to Anteiku."

He blinked once. "And?"

"Yoshimura asked me if I wanted to return."

"Is that what you want?" His brow barely pinched, the ease in his voice dwindling.

"I don't think so."

"You don't think so..." He repeated. His lips twisted into a subtle purse and his eyes flickered, as if he was looking through me. But he never broke eye contact.

"I want to be with you."

"Right," his eyes narrowed now, unconvinced.

"I also saw your sister."

He shrugged. "And?"

"She definitely doesn't want me there."

"Why is that, Kaneki?" His voice became hollow and he had already suspected me.

"She thinks I'm selfish for leaving and for wanting to protect them," I told him, now taking a seat across from him and popping a knuckle. He released an uninterested sigh.

"It was. You're scared of being alone because you've been alone your whole life, Kaneki. I don't blame you. And I don't really care. I'm selfish too. After learning more about you, I'm not surprised you...attacked me the way you did."

Him too? There must have been truth to these horrible words.

"I always had...a liking to you. It wasn't just because I was lonely."

"Right," he repeated with a smirk.

"She...also wasn't happy to hear how I feel about you."

"_What?_" His tone became flat, spitting the words through his teeth. "Why the fuck would you tell her?"

"I wasn't going to lie to her."

"Did she ask you straight up? If you were...into me?"

"No."

"Then why?" I watched at his fists tightened on the bed.

"I didn't want to hide anything from her. I owe her that much."

"You owe her? I knew it..." He murmured, hands now holding his hair.

"What? Knew what?"

"You love her. That's why you went after me."

My stomach caved in on itself, his scathing words cutting into my heart. "No! That's not true!"

"Bullshit. You just had to have the closest thing."

"No, that is not true at all. I do love her, but not in the way that I-"

"Shut the fuck up! Don't you _dare_ say that," he lifted his head, poisoned eyes staring me down. Then he was on his feet in seconds, heading for the door.

"Ayato, don't go."

"I can't believe you told her. You didn't even give me the opportunity to make the decision myself. She is _my_ sister after all."

"She deserved to know."

"Maybe she didn't, Kaneki. The truth isn't always necessary. You've only upset her. Not that I give a shit about that, but you've upset me, too."

"That's the last thing I ever want to do."

He gave me a roll of his eyes. "You act like you're always thinking about me, but it's a farce. You only ever think about yourself."

I could hear Touka's voice in Ayato's words. It worsened my heartache. I pulled my eyepatch off with a frustrated hand. When I looked up I was alone again.


	8. Impossible

**a/n: **i kind of hate this season tbh

* * *

><p>I was still angry, but it was only damaging to myself. He was reading in silence on <em>my<em> bed, snow white hair lowered over his eyes and rendering his expression indecipherable. I lingered in the doorway, my fingers twitching on the door frame. The gall he had, telling my sister that we were...whatever we were. It was none of her goddamn business. And it was no doubt on my part that I'd soon be dealing with the fallout, picking up the pieces. But of course, sitting here on my bed he looked nothing short of innocent and harmless. Sometimes I could see his hair color eclipse, the strands going through the metamorphosis again and returning to their black shade. I didn't know that Kaneki too well. At all, really. I wouldn't have liked him, that I know. He was so weak, flimsy. Yamori kicked him around with such ease, it was pathetic and painful to watch. Watching him attempt to fight back was nothing short of amusing. He always had fight in him, that was clear. And Touka had stepped in when she saw he was no match for Yamori...

_At Anteiku, Touka threw herself at Yamori. But if she had fought him like that, she would have been killed. You forced your way in and dealt her one blow. You protected her, didn't you? So that Touka wouldn't be killed._

More often than not, Kaneki reminded me of the things I despised about my character. My attraction to him, my inevitable care for my sister, the strength and control he had over me.

Still...Touka was going to fight that giant maniac for him. I wondered the extent of their relationship. Kaneki had denied anything beyond platonic. And I believed him. I believed him when he looked at me in that way of his and when he spoke my name. I swallowed against my barren throat, stepping inside the room.

"Ayato-kun," he peered up from the pages, his under eye circles darker than I'd ever seen them. I doubt he received much sleep night, I know I didn't on the couch.

As he shut his book closed I held up my hand. "Don't stop on account of me."

"It's fine," he gave a smile that lasted a brief moment.

"What are you reading, anyway?

Kaneki glanced at the cover. "The Letters of Abelard and Heloise."

I sat before him and took a look at the cover. It was only a beige shade, the title imprinted on the front small.

"Looks kind of boring..." I muttered. "What's is about?"

"It's a love story. In 12th century Paris she, Heloise, falls in love with her philosophy teacher. He's twenty years her senior. To his surprise, Heloise is actually holds equality to him, as far as intelligence goes."

"Twenty years?" My mouth twisted in disgust. "That's kind of gross isn't it?"

He gave a slight shrug of his shoulders. "She became pregnant, so they fled. Abelard proposed to her with permission from her uncle, her uncle agreed so long as they kept their marriage a secret. They were married back in Paris. Soon enough, though, the uncle spread the news of their marriage, punishing Abelard for what he had done to his own reputation. So Abelard sent her to the convent for her own safety."

"Convent...what is that?"

It's a society of people devout to their religions...usually Catholicism. Nuns, priests," he answered.

"I see...well, that kind of sucks for her."

"It gets worse," a grin swept over his expression. "Her uncle believed this was just a ploy to get rid of Heloise, so he sent men to his home in Paris and attacked him. Castrated."

"Fuck," I grimaced. "All for a girl, huh?"

"For true love," he corrected. "He became a monk shortly after. Needless to say, she was not happy that she was forced into her new religious life. She was also one of the most revolutionary feminists, even to this day. But it's their corresponding letters that are so popular in Europe. It's a classic."

"It sounds really boring, Kaneki."

"It's much better than Romeo & Juliet, in my humble opinion. I mean...it's not like you're much of a literary person in the first place."

I rolled my eyes. "They both knew they couldn't get away with what they were doing, and they did it anyway. So many pointless obstacles...the never would've been happy together. Sounds like they should've just resisted in the first place."

"Yes...that's what they call impossible love."

His smile faded a bit as he spoke. _Love_. A word that used to roll off my shoulder like water against bare skin but now it stuck to me. With Kaneki's position in my life I hated that word even more than I had before.

"I don't like it. I can already tell."

It felt a bit too familiar. No, our stories weren't parallel. Not in the least. But I still had a feeling deep in my stomach that this was futile. Kaneki was Anteiku. I didn't believe for one moment he would hang around. Certainly not for me. Though, when he looked at me with those soft eyes, eyes with gentility he seemed to only have for _me_, those thoughts faded away. They dissipated in the depths of my mind. But when I was alone again, they resurfaced. It was all I could think about last night. But my sister was right. He was a selfish person, blindly unaware he was only seeking out strength to protect himself. Sure, he told himself it was to 'protect those he cared about' but he just didn't want to be alone. That made my heart wrench. Why would I ever think I was special to someone like him?

"You haven't even read it," he opened up the book and scooted towards me. "I marked some of my favorite lines-"

"I don't care about the book, Kaneki," I responded, my voice unintentionally curt.

His lip curled into a frown. "You asked, Ayato-kun. Though I suppose it was silly of me to think you'd be interested in a-"

I pushed the book off his lap and straddled him in one motion. It clattered against the floor as my waist grinded on top of his. I didn't want to think anymore. I wanted to feel his hands on me and forget everything that was indecent about this.

"Ayat-"

Forcing our lips together, my fingers tangled in his hair. I opened my mouth over his and found his tongue, soft and subtle against mine. We weren't quite at the same speed, but I didn't care. He'd catch up soon enough.

"Please," he tried to move away from my already overworked lips but I wouldn't let him. I held his face with secure hands. But soon he exerted his force over me, peeling my hands off of him. "Stop. I know you're only doing this because you're angry with me."

"Why would I be all over you if I was mad?" I furrowed my brow at him, a sorry endeavor to try and confuse him that I wasn't upset. I suppose I'd let him in too far, because he recognized that lie in an instant.

"You're mad because I told Touka. And now you're trying to distract yourself with...this."

It was more than that now, but I had no interest in voicing that.

"I'm not mad anymore. I don't give a shit what she thinks," I spoke through my teeth. "Besides, you were always my distraction. You said it yourself. That this is a good way for us to relax."

He frowned again. "I wouldn't exactly say I feel relaxed," his hands tightened on my waist as he pulled me closer. I moaned as quietly as I could in the moment, our cocks grazing each other's through the thin fabrics of our clothing. "Honestly, Ayato, I can't think of one time you didn't make my heart beat faster."

I smirked. "Was that a quote in your book?" Even though I teased him, I was enthralled by the compliment.

"No," he shook his head in response, pulling me into a leaden kiss. I tried to move at his pace this time, steady and tender and agonizing. His hands eased up my back, pressing me further against him. He leaned back with a sharp exhale, his voice unsettled. "Just...tell me when to stop. I don't want to do anything you're not ready for."

He was speaking against my lips, his heavy breath scraping my face. "You said you wanted to do everything to me," I reminded him.

"Yeah," he nodded against my forehead. "I did."

"Stop talking, then. Just show me."

For once, he had listened to me. With little effort he lifted me off of his lap and laid me down on the bed. My hands trembled a bit as he kissed me, his body weighing down on mine. I wanted this, but I was nervous. I don't ever remember feeling this anxious in my life. As his tongue pressed against my lips, I opened my mouth to give him further access.

"No," he simply told me. "Keep still."

I remember the last time he said those words to me. Those luscious, choice words in a voice that sounded like how velvet felt. I closed my mouth back up in obedience. He leaned forward, running his tongue around my lips. It was a slow, painful process that left me with a burning sensation in my stomach. He kissed my bottom lip, taking the skin between his teeth. His teeth clamped around my lip with little force and I bid my rationale goodbye. I grabbed at the growing hardness in his pants, a quiet moan slipping into my mouth. I swallowed as I watched his eyes close, his lips part in pleasure. Pink scattered across his cheeks, leaving me ever fulfilled for having an effect on him and his body. A thousand hammers were pounding against the inside of my skull. That's what hearing his moans felt like. My fingers traipsed up his back, underneath the fabric of his shirt. His skin was smooth and warm, worsening my debilitation. But I had no intention of quitting now. I lifted the hem of his shirt, my hands beginning to slide down. He rose his shirt over his head foremost, letting it drop to the floor and leaving his hair disheveled. Once his core was bare I ran my fingers down his chest to his abdomen. The muscles under his pale skin were tight, and it didn't assist my convulsing-hand problem. It was different in the tub when he the water had stolen most of his body. I wasn't able to see much. But now he was here, on top of me, and I could see everything.

Still, I didn't want to compliment him. The bastard was so modest. I'm sure how I felt was read with ease by the expression on my face and my body language.

"You're shaking a bit," he murmured into my shoulder, the scent of his skin and hair sweet.

"I-It's just been a while since I've eaten," I lied, biting my lip as he rose to his knees.

"You're not a good liar, Ayato-kun."

"Shut up..."

"What is wrong, then?"

"I'm just annoyed you still have your pants on," I sat up.

"Ah..."

My hands curled around his upper waist, his skin warming underneath. I placed a few kisses across his ribcage, before reaching up and gliding a slow lick over his nipple. He shuddered from the touch, arms fighting to remain still at his sides. My unstable hand climbed his chest, scratching at his pectoral as I kissed his muscular stomach. He sighed quietly as I tasted his skin, nibbled softly on select abdominals.

"Is this okay?" I echoed his previous words back to him, my hands gripping his waist tighter now.

"Y-Yes."

"Fuck," I cursed as I leant my forehead against his stomach. His scent permeated my nostrils, leaving me hungered and frustrated that I couldn't sink my teeth deep into his delectable flesh. Under my hands I could sense his blood pulsing. I wanted to feel it gush into my mouth, chew away at his skin and leave his bones exposed. He would cry..._helplessly_, hating and loving the pain I granted him.

"What are you thinking, Ayato-kun?" He murmured, running black fingers through my now-damp strands.

"I want to fucking eat you, Kaneki. It's driving me crazy and I hate it," I pressed my lips against his side and touched him through his jeans again. A quiet moan made its way out from his lungs.

"You're so good at touching me, I might just let you," he responded, his voice husky and his grip falling from my hair.

"I'll be good for you anyway..." I peered up at him through my lashes.

In a fluid motion he was on top of me again, my shoulders pinned against the mattress. "You fucking better," he dipped his tongue into my hot mouth and stole my air.

As his tongue ventured my mouth again, his hand stroked my hair. I slid my own hands into the waistband of his jeans. Once I squeezed him he exhaled a heavy sigh, his breath filling my lungs. My fingers made their way around until I found the damned button. As he kissed me I felt my resolution mollify, the soft movements of his tongue allowing my hands to stabilize. I was calm once more. Unfastening the button on his jeans, I slid the zipper down. I was touching him through his underwear, warm and throbbing underneath my hand. He moaned once, the audio traveling a direct path to my ear and shooting me a shiver. Just the heat of him in my hand was culminating for me. But...I didn't want this very second to end. Him moaning into my ear, his muscles slowly weakening and betraying him. I smiled as I watched brow furrow from the pleasure.

But that's exactly how long it lasted. A mere second. My phone buzzed in my pocket with violence. I sucked my teeth in annoyance.

"No," he groaned, just a whisper under his breath.

I kissed his lips to appease him for the moment as I pulled my phone from my front pocket.

"Fuck me," I cursed when I looked at the identification of the caller.

"If you insist..." he murmured against my jaw, his voice thick with his obvious appetite for me.

I answered the call and pressed my phone to my ear. "Hello, Touka."

Kaneki retreated with incomparable punctuality, as I knew he would. He sat against the wall and I scooted up against the frame a bit.

"_I'd like to speak with you, Ayato._"

"Of course...I'm just _so_ curious what about."

"_Don't be difficult, please. Meet me._"

"You can come to the 11th Ward," I told her. "I'm not dragging myself all the way to the 20th."

"_Fine. Meet me at the bus stop._"

"Sure."

I rose from the bed in an abrupt manner and slipped on my shoes.

"You're leaving...?"

"Yeah, I guess," I walked over to the closet to retrieve my coat.

"Strange," he muttered, his voice like gravel. "I didn't expect you to be so eager to meet with her."

"I was _eager_ twenty seconds ago," I clarified, shrugging on my jacket. "I'm not eager, I just expected this. So I'll let her say her piece and I'll come back. Shouldn't take long."

"It really makes me happy that you still care about her," I could hear the smile on his face. I defensively rolled my eyes at him.

"Though you care about her enough for the both of us. And then some."

I didn't intend for those sour words to escape, but they did. He glared at me.

"Need I remind you where we were those twenty seconds ago...?"

"I haven't forgotten," and I wouldn't for some time.

* * *

><p>The bus stop was about a fifteen minute walk from the hideout. It was snowing out today, the cold air stinging my cheeks and hands. I sighed and hoisted my hood over my head, letting myself warm underneath its fur. I approached the bench and saw Touka already seated there, in her school uniform and green coat. Her eyes were glued to the ground. I exhaled and took a seat beside her.<p>

"Hello," she greeted without looking up. I gave her a nod. "How are you doing?"

I was doing just excellent before you called.

"Pretty alright. Though I doubt that's what you want to hear."

"Why wouldn't I want to hear that?" Touka's head lifted and she looked in my direction, her eyes marked with despair. They always looked like this when I saw her. I wondered if that was just when she saw me, or if that was her perpetual mug. "That is something I want to hear. Always. I always worry about your safety..."

"But that's not why you called."

"I just wanted to assure whatever it is you have with Kaneki is...what he said it is."

"And what did our friend say?" I asked, my tone monotonous as I leaned into the bench.

"That you don't hate him anymore. That he cares about you. He wants to protect you. That's all he really said," her eyes returned to the ground and mine lifted to the clear sky.

"Of course I hate him. He's annoying. But...it would appear, unfortunately, that I care about him as well."

"That's unfortunate?" My sister glanced at me.

I nodded slowly in response. "Where did love get us exactly, Touka?"

"Always the cynic..."

The sound of traffic and chirping birds filled the air around us, both of us winding up wordless.

"You love him, then?"

I shook my head immediately. "I didn't say that."

"You brought up that word," she threw me a sideways look, her expression telling me she didn't buy it. "Are you at least being careful? You know...safe? If he hurts you I swear to God-"

"Aghh!" I shouted over her, shaking my head again and staring her down. In that instant I felt extreme heat underneath my coat. "Stop immediately."

"I just want to make sure you're okay, Ayato."

"Yeah, okay. But don't think you're giving me the sex talk because our parents weren't around for it."

She tried to repress her laugh, I could tell. But she chuckled, her head lowering as she laughed. We shared that light moment, and I forgot our differences for a short time. But she cleared her throat, all signs of ease vanishing in a snap second. I sighed, leaning forward and folding my hands together.

"So, how is he?"

"Not that good," I muttered. "He's a kakuja. Incomplete. You can tell it's hell for him. Like he needs anymore of that."

"Kakuja?" She repeated under her breath. "Of course...I don't blame him...considering."

"I thought the same."

"He didn't hurt you in that state did he?"

I could still remember and sense the feeling of his hot breath against my neck, the snapping sound of skin and flesh being torn. The wet, chewing sounds. I wanted to forget that. If I never thought of that moment ever again it would be too soon.

"Ayato?"

"No," I replied, assuring that she wouldn't detect my lie. I straightened my spine.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Touka."

"You're helping him, right?"

My head shook slowly at her yet another time. "Yes, Touka."

"You know I love you, right, Ayato?" She asked carefully, now swinging her left leg.

I pressed my lips into a hard line. "I love you too."

"So I feel like I have to tell you...it's not right that you're...together like this if he's a kakuja. His mind isn't right. No one is in that state. You know that."

I exhaled, a bitter smile stretching my parted lips. Unbeknowst to her, he admitted his desire for me before his transformation. "Of course, someone who isn't completely mental wouldn't be capable of liking me, right?"

"That's not what I said."

"Yes it is," I snapped at her, looking right in direction and away from her face. "Fuck you."

"I'm only looking out for the two of you."

"Sure...you probably think I'm not good enough for-"

"Quite the opposite," her tone lightened and she glanced up at me. "I don't think he's good enough for you. Rather, good enough for anybody. He shouldn't be in a relationship. He's volatile. I mean, look how he just up and left Anteiku. You can't possibly consider him trustworthy."

"Who said I trusted him?" I returned her burdened glare. "Maybe he left Anteiku because he realized what you are. Peace-addicted cowards with compassion for humans. It's disgusting."

"_He's_ human, Ayato."

"Hardly," I muttered, dropping my stare to my lap.

"I don't think it's going to end smoothly. It's not going to go well. Prepare yourself for that, or end it. That's all I wanted to tell you."

_That's what they call impossible love._

There were certainly obstacles between us. His evolution from human to ghoul to kakuja, the age difference, the fact we kept this secret from everyone. Only Touka knew now. I didn't want to face the obstacles just yet, though. What we had wasn't impossible. It was viable and real. He was capable of making me feel out of breath. Capable of having just the slightest more tenderness towards my sister. Capable of caring. Caring for someone besides myself. I never thought I'd be capable of these things. It was complicated, I wasn't denying that. But it wasn't impossible. I didn't want to face any of the shame of our faults and flaws just yet. I didn't want to face the possibility he could abandon me at any given time.

"The both of us are doing just fine, but your concern is noted."

"Losing your mind and dating someone older than your sister is fine in your book?"

I let go of a simmering breath. "I know he hurt you, Touka. And all your friends at Anteiku. But that's not my problem or my concern. I'm concerned with what's happening between us right now. He cares about me, and if he ends up betraying me like he did you, so be it. I'll deal with it. I'm not so easily scourged."

"Yeah, that's what you think now..."

"Whatever, Touka. I didn't even need to come here in the first place," I was on my feet before I even realized it.

"I didn't think you'd listen anyway. I figured I'd try," she checked the time on her phone. "I should be getting back now, we're busy today. Just think about what I said."

I clenched my jaw and walked off. The fear I had of him returned once I was alone again. _I wasn't afraid of what he'll do,_ I told myself. _I'm stronger than this, and my fear will only cripple me if I allow it to._


	9. Vexation

"Ayato."

He was clad in black, suit tight around his skin. But he had no reason to be outfitted. There was nothing planned for today, tomorrow, or even the day after that. The qualm set in, and I rose to my feet.

"What is it?" I crossed my arms.

With an exhale, he looked about the room. He hadn't even made eye contact with me since he had entered. Nothing about this boded well. I wouldn't say I was nervous. No, I was more...relieved. This day had been en route for some time now, and I was finally alleviated from the fear. I didn't need him anyway. I never did.

"There's...somewhere I need to be."

My foot began to tap, the sound preferable to my weighted breathing. "Care to elaborate?"

"The CCG is attacking Anteiku...and..."

I was underwater, and Kaneki was the proverbial anchor. I couldn't hear his words anymore. I didn't want to. I was sinking, drowning, being dragged all the way down to the Earth's core until I could feel its heat. His honeyed words, like a fool I believed them. _I want to stay. I want to be with you. I love-_

To be fair, I didn't believe he was lying at the time. I don't think that he would lie to me. From the very beginning he always spoke the truth. And I'm certain he meant every word when he said it. But that didn't make it any less fucked up. It didn't make me any less angry. I couldn't recall the last time I felt so heated, my pulse audible in my own ears. My teeth nearly crumbling under a clenched jaw and my nails puncturing my palms.

I was already on top of him.

"I knew it. I fucking _knew_ it. You'll always be Anteiku. There was no fucking point in you even coming here."

"Ayato-" Bone against skull, a connecting thud. I repeated this over and over and over and over until my arm grew weak. And even then I didn't stop. There was enough force to draw blood, even for his cheek to swell up a bit. I ignored the delicious and impeccable scent, wishing it was vile and revolting.

"If you're going," I leaned down to whisper in his ear, his hair brushing against my lip. "Don't fucking come back."

"I knew you'd say something like that," he responded, his voice undertone. When I straightened out my spine he touched my face, wiping his own blood off my cheek. "But you don't understand, Ayato."

"You're right," I spat venom, growing tired of looking at his face. "I don't."

"You were born a ghoul. I wasn't. I was twisted into a fucking monster. And all I had hoped for was to go on a nice date with a pretty girl. I had nowhere to go. Anteiku took care of me. When you kidnapped me, they came for me. I'm not going to sit back and watch them all be slaughtered. I'm tired of not being able to do anything."

"If you're so fucking wet for them why did you even come here in the first place?"

He blinked once. "To become stronger."

I wish I was surprised. I wish I hadn't expected this, wished I believed everything would remain the same and we could go skip into the sunset. I had never been a wishful thinker. And this was a poor idea from the start. Obstacle after obstacle. He was never meant for me, we were never meant to have this relationship. I had accepted that the minute he walked through my door.

"I should fucking kill you."

His lips curved in a slight smile. "That wouldn't be the worst way to die."

_Just do it now._ I'd take the repercussions. I didn't care. I could just wrap my fingers around his throat and squeeze until he was nothing. Until his bones cracked under my fingers, until his beautiful eyes budged from his skull. I wanted to see him pale and cold. I wanted him dead for making me fall in love with him.

"Though...I didn't intend for this to happen, Ayato-kun. I've always admired you, but I shouldn't have pursued you. It was a lapse in judgment, but I didn't care at the time. I wanted you. I still do."

"You said you'd never hurt me again."

"I have to do this. I have to."

"_No._"

This felt...a bit typical. I knew I couldn't make him stay. But it was worth a try. Because if he faced all of the CCG tonight, he would die. And if he _did_ die-

I could at least know what this was like.

I invaded his mouth without even bothering to plant a kiss on him first. I was much too furious for the tender pecks and delicate caressing. His hands grabbed at my waist, but I could sense the hesitation. He didn't want it to be this way. I know he didn't. He wanted it to be gentle and loving and virtuous. I didn't give a shit what he wanted. He was already dead to me. I blinked and he had me on the bed. He was grasping at my hair painfully, all innocence and uncertainty crumbled under the weight of his lust. I didn't care that he was hurting me. Strands falling from my scalp, blood vessels rising to the surface of my skin and leaving me bruised, nails deep in my flesh. I liked it. I enjoyed the pain he was bestowing because I ached for it. I fucking hated him and I wanted him to hurt me.

I clenched the exposed skin of his back before pulling the zipper down on his suit. As he rose to peel it off his body, I removed my shirt. He was on his knees, left in his underwear. I inched forward and pulled them down. Hard and leaking in front of me, I was tempted. But I had no intention of satisfying him the way he did for me the other day. I pressed a kiss to his hip, running my palm over his backside. His skin was smooth and warm under my touch, my fingers were already shaking again. So I backed off.

"Touch yourself."

He tipped his head, laying down against the bed frame. Bringing his marked fingers to his mouth, he dampened them. He parted his legs and eased a finger into himself. His face contorted with pleasure as a quiet moan trembled in his throat. I wasn't interested in readying him, I wanted to watch him do it himself. Exposed and vulnerable and susceptible. I touched myself through my pants as I watched him throw his head back, groans filling the space around us.

"Please..." His head fell forward, eyes slipping shut as he slid another finger. "I don't want to wait any longer."

He looked upon me with half-lidded, morose eyes. But desire was still present, as it always had been. He wanted this for a long time, and I did as well. As much as I hated to admit it right now, I did want to please him. But more than anything I wanted him powerless. For once, just fucking once, I wanted some control over him. Just a taste of power, only a drop if it had to be.

"But you look so good," arrogance possessed my expression and demeanor. He was slow with his fingers, the sight causing a warmth to pool in my stomach. "I don't want you to stop, Kaneki."

"At least touch me..." he complained, biting on his lips.

I obliged, moving over towards him. I wrapped my hand around his cock and pulled with a teasing softness. He groaned though his teeth, moving faster with his fingers. The longing and salacity echoed off the walls, and I was nurtured by his weakness. As I touched him I leaned down into his skin, biting at his thigh. There was enough force for red to course down his lower thigh, hitting my sheets quickly and dotting it crimson. His blood ignited a frenzy within me, as it always had. He moaned as I sunk my teeth into his flesh again, just to savor and taste and sinewy resistance. With his free hand he gripped at his chest, his moans quickening and filling my head.

"Ay, I'm going to-"

"You better not fucking come yet."

"Then fuck me already."

I rose to my knees and discarded the rest of my clothes he immediately grabbed for me, his hand already wet with saliva. I groaned involuntarily, my moans all too satisfying for him. To quiet myself I pressed our lips together, our flesh melting together as I laid on top of him. As our tongues mixed more softly this time, I began to press into him. He broke the kiss, hugging my shoulders as he released a soft cry into my skin. Pain or pleasure, I didn't care what noise it was. Any reaction I elicited from him made my temperature rise. I started with a slow pace, just to gain a rhythm and revel in the tightness of his body. He was enjoying this as well, his fingers finding my hair as he moaned my name into my ear. He was mumbling other things as well, curses and pleas that were unintelligible.

"More..." His teeth nipped at my neck.

My thrusts were kept moderate as I eased back, gliding a hand down his body. Fingers moved over his chest and then traced the muscles in his abdomen. I pulled at his cock again, causing his back to arch and pressing further into me. I moaned, soon falling back into another inattentive kiss. He yanked at my hair as I bit down on his succulent bottom lip.

I wonder, would he still leave after this? Go off to Anteiku to meet his friends and his death? He would. No amount of sex would alter his thinking. Though, I'm sure if I asked him right now, shivering and crying underneath me; he'd say that he would stay. He'd stay with me as long as I didn't stop. But I wasn't cruel. Things had already been set in motion, and I was powerless to stop them. He would come, leave, then die. I didn't want him to die.

"Ay...are you crying?" He whispered, hands now stroking my hair instead of pulling it.

My eyes were stinging, picturing all the different ways it could happen. It'd be by a quinque, no fucking doubt. Through the heart? Decapitation? Perhaps through the eye?

I didn't answer his question, just shook off the tears. I filled him, causing another loud curse as I hit the right spot. I remained there, fucking into him until his arms fell to his sides. He was practically screaming. I clamped his mouth with my hand to stifle his lewd and erratic audio. He looked up at me, eyes encumbered with desperation as I slowed. Moans escaped as his warmth smothered me, my hand gripping his face hard enough to bruise his skin.

"Don't go..." I let go of his face, my voice waning and pathetic.

"I have to," he repeated, voice gentler now.

"Fucking asshole," I curled my fingers around his neck.

A smile crossed over. It disappeared once I started moving again. He groaned as I squeezed his neck, the pleasure amplified with the lack of oxygen.

He should just let me do it. He's going to die anyway. I didn't want someone else to take his life. It should be me. And here he was, with me inside of him and blissfully distracted...I could do it right now. And he wouldn't even realize. I would make it painless for him. Because he had hurt me more than a few times now. And I hated him. I wanted to tear his organs from his body and kiss his lips and smash his skull. He had poisoned me, and I didn't know if I harbored more animosity towards him or more infatuation.

"F-Fuck..." His hand raked through his hair. He was close, his face flushed pink as moans poured from his mouth and mingled with mine. He choked as I squeezed his throat harder, skin pliable under my aching fingers. "Stop...I don't want to come yet."

"I don't care."

I just wanted to see him frail and breathless, knowing that I was the one responsible. His hands tightened on the bed, black nails tearing holes through my sheets. With a raspy breath he came. All his moans had been sucked out of him, and my grip on his neck was no help. I made sure he had absolutely no oxygen for his climax, and he was already shaking beneath me. His eyelashes fluttered and he gazed at me with those gray eyes of his, small pants departing from his mouth. And of course, the look was enough. The curve of his eyelashes and the parting of his lips and the slight sheen on his pale skin. It left _me_ shaking, spilling inside of him as my hold loosened and he pulled me into a kiss. The ecstasy smacked me, hitting each nerve in my body and leaving every limb unstable.

I fell to his side, now trying to regain my breath. We laid in this short silence so our breath could catch up with us. Thankfully, my mind was left blank at that brief period, still experiencing the warmth of his body close to mine.

"I'll come back to you," he cut through the silence with his demure voice.

Hands crossed over his chest and looking at the ceiling, I sighed at the sight of him. He was celestial, each edge and crevice of his body absolute. I wanted to touch every inch.

"Promises are pointless," I tore my eyes off of him.

"There is no promise. I care about you and I love you," his hand tightened over his heart. "And I'm going to come back."

"Sure, Kaneki."

I watched him walk into the bathroom, disappearing behind the door. I didn't see a point in returning the words to him. He already knew. And he knew I didn't want to hear the words myself. But him saying he would come back...I almost wanted to believe him. I wasn't going to do that. He was still alive and walking and breathing and I had already accepted his death. Once he clothed himself he leaned over and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"I'm sorry," clutching his mask, he slipped out of the room.

"Me too."

* * *

><p><strong>an:** #morebottomken2k15


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